Free Fiction
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The following story is from the GNOMAGEDDON series, featuring Thimblecock Dickerstock, the roguish gnome.
Hunt For A Scavenger
The pearl rested in the center of the room,
under a glass display case designed to allow for maximum exposure with minimum
interference. Torches specially designed to highlight the pearl’s opalescence
lined the walls, lighting the damned thing like an Olenstach holiday tree. It
was a lawman’s nightmare, all that well placed light and wide open casing. No
wonder it was a target. I had gotten word that afternoon that a well known
thief was planning on stealing the pearl. It was going to be difficult to keep
the thing out of the scoundrel’s hands.
Earlier that night I begged the Duchess to hide the real pearl and set out a fake one in its place, but the woman was intractable on the matter. She claimed the pearl belonged to the people, and as such the people deserved to have access to it at all hours. I tried to assure her that, if given a chance, these same people would sell the thing out from under her and split the profits. She merely scoffed at the idea, and I was left to guard a priceless object kept in what might as well have been a glass bucket with a sign that said free, take one, only because we don’t have two.
“Everyone is in place, ma’am,” Jackson said from beside of me.
“Thank you, Constable Jackson,” I said.
“Three on the roof as you requested. A pair of guards focused on each of the four doors. And including us, two more men to fill the corners of this room.” He narrowed his eyes at me. “Are you certain you don’t want a pair of men posted at the display case?”
“No. And make sure all of the men keep to the shadows. Let him come on in and try his best. I want to take this bastard by surprise.”
“Aye, ma’am. Understood.” Jackson stepped closer to the casing and glanced down, staring in confusion at the huge pink pearl laying just underneath the glass. “What I don’t understand is why would anyone want to steal that? It’s hideous.”
“I couldn’t agree more. But we aren’t here to judge the thing, just protect it. Besides, our thief isn’t exactly discerning in his tastes.”
“True.”
“Try as he might, he won’t get his hands on the Duchess’s Pink Lady Pearl tonight. Or any other night, for that matter.”
“Pink Lady Pearl. That’s an odd name.”
“I’ve heard odder.”
“You know, one of the locals toasted it as the Almighty Squeal.”
I snorted at the idea. “I can see why. I wonder where the damn thing came from.”
“What do you mean, ma’am? It’s a pearl. Surely it came from an oyster?”
“So I hear, but have you ever seen an oyster capable of producing a pearl roughly the shape and size of a five pound honey ham?”
Jackson grinned. “Consider the source, eh?”
“Exactly.” I nodded to the far corners of the room. “Go on then. It’s getting late. Our guest should be arriving any moment.”
“Aye, ma’am,” Jackson said, and scurried off to do as asked.
Constable Jackson was a good officer. Respectable, honorable, and loyal to a fault, I found him indispensable when it came to getting things done. As a result, I placed the bulk of this sting on his broad shoulders. I only hoped he could handle the responsibility. After all, it wasn’t every day an officer of the law got a chance to capture a thief of this caliber.
Tonight, at long last, Thimblecock Dickerstock would be mine.
Well, not mine per say. Once we capture him, he would become a ward of the state and then hopefully after a short trial he would lose either his head or his freedom. Preferably his head. My only regret is that he didn’t have two heads, so I could watch both of them get lopped off.
As I contemplated the lovely image of the gnome losing his head, a soft shifting noise came from the far corner of the room. I took the cue from my men and slid back toward my own hiding spot in the opposite corner. There I waited. Another soft sound came from the corner to my right. I assumed this was the sound of my men settling into place, until I heard the same exact sound come from the corner on my left. It was too coincidental.
With a sputtering gulp, all six torches went out at the same time, leaving us in total darkness. I rubbed the coin in my pocket; a talisman for a light spell. I was hoping I wouldn’t need it. It looked like I would after all.
Someone grunted near me.
“Jackson?” I whispered.
“Try again,” came a familiar, grating voice, followed by a familiar, grating giggle.
“Dickerstock,” I growled.
“Got it on the second try,” he said. “Good on you, lass.”
“As if anyone else in the world sounds as irritating as you.” I pushed the coin back into my pocket, determined to sneak up on him in the dark. “You’re very easy to distinguish. Like a pig in a pen full of swans.” I raised my eyes to the ceiling, certain his voice was coming from above me.
“It’s nice to know you think of me as distinguished.”
“That’s not what I said.”
“Close enough.”
“No it wasn’t. It was the complete opposite of what I said. I also called you a pig.” I hated lowering myself to arguing with him, but it was the best way to pinpoint his location. If the gnome possessed a single fault, it was his love of the sound of his own voice. Luckily for me, the gnome possessed a great many faults, and I intended to exploit all of them. “You won’t get the pearl.”
“Oh I reckon I’ll get it. Question is, what will ya do after I get out of here with it?”
I glared at the ceiling, wondering if he was in the rafters or further up. “You’re not going to get out of here with it.”
“Wanna bet?”
Great. Just what I needed. If I turned him down, he would see it as a weakness on my part, but if I took him up on it and failed… no. I wouldn’t fail. He wasn’t getting his grubby little hands on that pearl.
“I’ll take your bet,” I said to the ceiling as I unsheathed my blade. “You’re not going to get out of here tonight with that pearl. I stake my reputation on it.”
“Good,” Dickerstock said. “Because your reputation is exactly what I am interested in.”
This took me by surprise. “What?”
“If I manage to wiggle my tiny—and not to mention incredibly toned—derriere out of this hall with that pearl in tow, you have to give me your badge.”
I snorted a laugh, unable to hide my humor at his ridiculous notion. “Give you my badge? I’d rather fall on my own blade.”
“That can be arranged.” As he spoke again, the location of his voice shifted from the ceiling down the eastern wall, trailing toward the floor. “I’m sure tha Duke would love ta execute you for losing his woman’s precious pearl.”
Working my way across the northern wall, I nearly tripped when I came upon the slumped body of Constable Jackson in the northwestern corner. I lowered myself to his face, both pleased and disgusted to hear him lightly snoring. At least he wasn’t dead, but I would kill him as soon as he woke.
“How did you get to my men?” I said.
“Easy enough,” Dickerstock said. “Everyone gets thirsty. And free drink is everyone’s price.”
I groaned when I remembered what Jackson had said only minutes before.
“One of the locals toasted it as the Almighty Squeal.”
“Idiots,” I whispered.
“Yes,” Dickerstock said from very near to my right. “Good help is so hard to find these days. Unlike a good gnome. A good, hard gnome. Which is me, if you don’t get my meaning.”
“I got your meaning!” I snapped. I rubbed at my weary eyes, already aching from straining in the dark. “This is growing tiresome.”
“You never answered my question,” Dickerstock said, his voice turning and traveling along the eastern wall, away from me.
I continued my path in the opposite direction, taking tentative steps in the total darkness, intent on meeting him head on. I contemplated pitching the coin into the air, and as a result lighting the entire place, exposing Dickerstock in all of his gnomish glory. Yet no, I withheld, waiting for just the right moment to shine the light of justice on that squirming little turd.
“Well?” he said. “Will you give me your badge if I get my ham hocks on that hammy little pearl?”
“You won’t get the pearl,” I said.
“Oh, confidence. I like that in a lass. If you’re so certain I won’t get the prize, then what have ya got ta lose?” His voice had paused again, stopping in the southeastern corner. Exactly where one of my now sleeping men lay slumped.
“Okay,” I said.
“Okay what?”
“I’ll give you my badge if you can steal the pearl.”
“Then hand it over.”
“Why would I just do that?”
“Because tha pearl is already gone.”
My eyes went wide. He had to be joking. Panicking, I yanked the coin from my pocket and tossed it into the air with a flick. It rolled about in a lazy arc, flashing in heartbeat like pulses that grew faster with each rotation, until at last the enchanted coin hung, midair, spinning and shining and lighting the entire room to a brilliant degree. I winced, shielding my eyes at the intrusion of light. When I was able to see again, I glanced to the center of the room. My mouth fell open at what I found there.
The pearl was still in the display case.
And so was Dickerstock. A rope hung from the ceiling into the now opened casing, providing my nemesis with an easy escape. I gawked at him in complete shock. In that moment of hesitation, Dickerstock grinned at me through the glass like an over excited ape, tucked the pearl into his backpack, then scrambled up the rope.
I lunged for him, but it was too late. Quick as a greased pig, the gnome shot up the rope and out onto the roof before I could even make it to the display case. It was almost pointless to follow him. He had a fantastic lead on me. The gnome would be off the roof, through the compound and into the surrounding woods before a single alarm could be raised. I punched the wooden base of the display and cursed aloud in frustration.
“Now, now,” Dickerstock said from the far corner. “Such language isn’t ladylike.”
I whipped about, wondering what sorcery this was, when I saw exactly what sorcery it was. A rat sat in the corner, perched atop one of my sleeping men, staring at me with beady little red eyes. The beast grinned in an all too familiar manner.
“That’s right, luv,” Dickerstock said through the rat. “Ya aren’t the only one with a wee bit of magic in their pocket. Though, I suppose technically I’ve always got a wee bit of magic in my pocket. And by pocket, I mean my trousers, and by a wee bit I mean a great, big hard-”
“Telepathic conveyance,” I said over his filthy joke. “Nice. Expensive, but nice. How much did that little spell cost you?”
“Enough. I consider it an investment. And it’s rude ta interrupt a man’s metaphor. Just so ya know.”
Ignoring the rat, I quietly stepped to the edge of the hall, and peered outside. All was not lost. Not yet. “I don’t know if the wizard who cast that spell for you explained how it worked, but there’s something you should know about telepathic conveyance.”
“What’s that?”
I stepped outside and scanned the roof for him. “We use it all of the time for stakeouts. It only works within a one hundred foot radius of the control subject. Which means if you’re still talking to me, you’re still nearby.”
“True.” The gnome seemed unperturbed by my warning.
I ducked back into the hall and made sure the rat was still where I left it. “I have men stationed all across this property. The moment that rat goes back to normal I know exactly how far you are from me. Extrapolating your movements after that will be easy.” It was a longshot and a bluff of the grandest kind, but I was desperate for anything to make the gnome as nervous as me.
“I dare to say they will be far simpler than even you suspect.”
“How so?”
The rat trembled a moment before its eyes faded from that enchanted red back to natural black. The animal sniffed the air as its nose twitched. It squeaked. I couldn’t be sure, but I thought the rat looked utterly confused to find itself in the display hall. I heard a noise rise from behind me, and I turned on my heel to find Dickerstock standing in the doorway, smiling up at me, his eyes twinkling in the moon light.
“I won’t leave until I get what you promised me,” he said.
“Gotcha!” I snatched him up by a handful of his flaming red hair and dragged him into the hall. “You little snot! I finally have you! You could’ve ran off into the night like the little rat you are, but no, you had to gloat.” I relished the feel of his greasy hair in my hot hands, as well as the satisfaction of yanking it out by the roots. “You had to stay behind to gloat and now I have you!”
Dickerstock shrieked in agony as I pulled him across the floor by his hair. This caterwauling woke Jackson from his drug induced sleep. The officer groaned as he sat up and rubbed at his eyes.
“Constable Jackson,” I said. “Go and fetch her Ladyship. Tell her I have the thief and her pearl, safe and sound.”
Jackson scrambled to his feet. “Yes, ma’am!” He ran off to retrieve the lady of the house.
“The rest of you wake up and get these torches lit!”
Various groans and cries of ‘aye’ came from the men. Most avoided meeting my gaze, scrambling around me with sheepish grins and hanging heads. I would discipline the entire troop later, after I dealt with Dickerstock. For now, I stripped the gnome of his backpack, clamped a pair of cuffs onto his wrists and pushed him against the wall, face first.
“Careful there,” the gnome said. “I like it rough, but you almost bruised my ego.”
“I’m going to bruise a hell of a lot more than that before we are done here.”
“You’ll bruise your reputation too, unless you give me what is rightfully mine.”
I sneered at his back. “I am not giving you anything.”
“Renege. Go on. Break your word. Make a liar out of yourself.”
“You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you?”
“I know a lot of things … wait, are ye callin’ me a liar?”
I spun the gnome about and dragged him up the wall until we were eye to eye. “I’m calling you a thief. Soon I’ll call you a prisoner. And after your trial is done, I will call you a memory, because you’ll be dead.”
Dickerstock grinned ever wider and lifted his bound wrists to me. “If its memories you want, hon, unlock these shackles and I’ll give you a night you’ll never forget.”
I released my grip on him, allowing him to slide to the floor and land on his rump.
“What’s all this fuss about?” said a booming voice.
I cringed at the sound of the Duke. I was hoping Jackson would return with just the Ladyship, but no. The Duke himself decided to join us as well. In my dealings with her, I found the Duchess to be a respectable, gentle soul. The Duke was quite the opposite. In fact, he was closer to the rogue at my feet than the respectable royal at his side.
“I was just telling this copper,” Dickerstock said, “that she was a bald faced liar of the highest degree. A deceiver. A fibber. A prevaricator!”
The Duke’s eyes went wide. It was a well-known fact that the Duke of Orrington hated to be accused of lying, only because he did so every chance he got.
“Sir,” I said, “allow me to explain what is going on here-”
“A liar?” the Duke said, his chubby cheeks wobbling in his imaginary righteous indignation. “I can’t abide by a liar in my house.”
“I am not a liar,” I said.
“Then why are your pants on fire?” the gnome said.
“Fire?” the Duchess said, her voice trembling and flutelike in its fright.
The gnome played that flute for all it was worth. “Step back, my Lady, or your pants might catch fire too.”
The Duchess stepped back to avoid the hypothetical fire of my flaming liar pants.
I groaned and rubbed my temples in frustration. Was everyone in this hall aside from me a complete idiot? “Ma’am, I caught this gnome in the act of stealing your Pink Lady Pearl. He is the thief I warned you about.”
“Nonsense,” Dickerstock said. “I was merely out for a stroll when this young lady made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.”
“Really?” the Duke said. He licked his lips. “What kind of offer?”
“This little filly said she would give up her most precious possession if I could prove my valor.”
I had to hand it to the gnome, that wasn’t far from the truth.
“And did he?” the Duke said, rubbing his hands together in eager anticipation.
“Of course he did!” the gnome shouted. “I always keep my end of things.” Dickerstock winked at me. “Now it’s time ya keep yours, sweet cheeks.”
“Yes,” the Duke said. “You should pay the gnome. And I should watch.” The man grinned at me.
No, he leered.
And in that leer I could see exactly what he thought I had promised the rouge.
“That sounds fair,” the Duchess said.
“Does it?” Dickerstock said, surprised by the Duchess’s sudden support.
“Certainly. If she made a promise, and you proved your valor, than she is honor bound to see to the agreement.”
“And I should watch,” the Duke repeated. He wrapped an arm around his wife. “But perhaps you should go back to the house, honey. This might get a bit … messy.”
“You want to see his idea of valor?” I said. I turned the gnome’s backpack over, dumping the contents onto the floor. A small collection of garbage fell out of the thing, topped by the pearl in question.
“My pearl!” the Duchess said. She reached out and grabbed up her pearl, hugging the horrid thing to her.
“There you go,” I said. “There’s your precious valor.” I toed the strange assortment of bits and bobs piled on the floor; a single blue feather, a ball of twine, a half-eaten apple, a four leafed clover, as well as other various oddities. “What is this crap and where did you steal it from?”
“I didn’t steal it,” Dickerstock said. He lifted his chin in defiance as he said, “I’ll have you know I came by all of that honestly.”
I couldn’t help but snort a laugh. “As if you know what honesty means.”
“Sure I do. Honesty is the opposite of lucky. When ya can’t get somethin’ by luck, you have ta hope ya can get it honestly. If ya can’no get it honestly, then ya have ta steal it. Which I didn’t. Just like I’m not gonna steal what ya owe me, fair and square.”
“What do you think, Duke?” I said, raising my face to the Lord once more. “Do you still think I should I give him my …” I paused as I caught sight of the man. “Sir? Are you all right?”
The Duke stood staring down at the pile of useless junk, mouth agape, eyes bulging.
“That’s right,” Dickerstock said. “Drink it all in. Quite a collection isn’t it? And when I get this lassie’s precious prize, my collection will be complete. How ya like dem apples, Dukey?”
The Duke’s jowls flapped as he huffed and puffed. “Enough of this nonsense. Arrest that gnome and take him away.”
I was intrigued by his sudden change of heart. One moment he was eager to see me relinquish my so called prize to the gnome, the next he was fervent to see Dickerstock behind bars.
“But what about their agreement?” the Duchess said.
“Obviously this has all been a trick,” the Duke said. “Everyone knows you can’t trust a gnome.” He grabbed his wife by the arm and tried to drag her from the hall.
The Duchess wasn’t having any of that. She jerked her arm out of the Duke’s grip and held her ground. “No. His idea of valor might be a bit skewed, but that young lady owes him for his actions.”
I balled my fists. “I most certainly do. And I will only be too glad to pay him, in full.”
“Then hand it over, cupcake,” Dickerstock said. He smiled.
I looked to the Duke again, to that dumbfounded face, curious as to why he was so keen to get the hell out of here. The Duke shot a quick, worried glance to the pile of seemingly useless things, then back to me. If he hadn’t done that, I might have followed through with my original plan and took the gnome to the stockyard. But something in that glance told me the man was far more guilty here than the gnome. And considering the gnome’s lousy reputation, that was saying an awful lot.
It took every ounce of strength I possessed, yet I managed to grip the edge of my badge, slid it free from my shirt pocket, and lowered it toward Dickerstock. I kept my gaze on the Duke, watching as his eyes went saucer wide the closer my badge got to the gnome.
“No!” the Duke said. He held his hands out, pleading with me not to let the gnome have my badge. “Please, don’t give it to him. You don’t understand what you’re doing.”
Dickerstock held his bound hands up and motioned for me to hand it to him. “Gimme, gimme!”
I shoved it at him keeping a tight grip on my end. The moment the gnome grabbed the thing, I looked down and growled, “You may borrow it. I want it right back.”
“Of course, luv,” the gnome said. “I only need it for tha briefest of moments.”
“Please don’t!” the Duke pleaded again.
“Marcus?” the Duchess said. “What is all of this about?”
“Nothing?” he half asked, half said.
The Duchess pursed her thin lips. “I see. Then if it’s nothing, you won’t care if she gives him her badge. Will you?”
“No?” Again it was more of a question and less of a statement.
The Duchess nodded to me.
I released my badge.
The gnome snatched it from me and squealed in delight. He stepped forward and tossed my badge on top of his belongings, then proceeded to poke his finger at the Duke. “I told ya I could do it! I told ya I was the best at scavenger hunts. Now pay up, Marcus.” Dickerstock broke into a little jig, dancing in circles around the pile of junk.
“Scavenger hunt?” I said, more confused than ever.
“I knew it,” the Duchess said. She stamped her foot. “You’ve been playing that awful game again.”
“That’s right,” Dickerstock said. “He bet me I couldn’t fill his list before sunrise tomorrow. Ha! I showed him.”
“Why?” the Duchess said, hurt touching her voice.
I felt sort of sorry for her.
The Duke sighed and pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. “Because I didn’t think he would actually do it. Until I saw all of that.” He waved at the junk on the floor. “I tried to make it really hard this time. Who thought he would get his hands on a copper’s badge without stealing it?”
“Without stealing it,” Dickerstock echoed as he nodded to me.
“You promised me you would stop,” the Duchess said.
“I will,” the Duke said. “I swear, honey. This is the last time.”
“You said that last time. I lost my best necklace in that stupid game. I lost all of my porcelain dolls the time before that. What am I going to lose now? Because I know you weren’t selfless enough to offer one of your lousy possessions as a prize.”
The Duke peeked over his hands at her, and mumbled something unintelligible.
“What was that?” she said.
“Your Pink Lady Pearl,” he said.
The Duchess hugged the pearl to her tighter. “No! I won’t give up my pearl to that, that, that little monster!”
Dickerstock stalled in his dance and looked up to the Lady. “Monster? I’m not the one that promised your precious pearl as a prize in a silly game. That would be your chubby hubby.”
The Duke sighed again. “Just give it to him so we can go back to bed.”
“What?” Dickerstock said. “She’s gonna give it ta me right here in front of the gods and everyone?”
“Bed?” the Duchess said, ignoring the gnome. “You mean you will go back to the couch. I won’t have you in our bed after this.”
“He can join us,” Dickerstock said. “I don’t mind an audience.”
“Fine,” the Duke growled, also ignoring the gnome. “Just give him your effing pearl so we can get some sleep.”
“I won’t sleep a wink tonight after this,” the Duchess said.
“Trust me,” Dickerstock said, wiggling his fingers at her. “Once I’m done wit ya, you will sleep like tha dead.”
“For Pete’s sake,” the Duke said, “just hand it over so he will leave!”
The Duchess stamped her foot once more. The Duke glared at her until she held the majestic Pink Lady Pearl out to the gnome.
Dickerstock, who stood a clear two feet shorter than the Lady, stared up at the pearl with disgust. “What do you expect me to do with that?”
“Take it and leave,” the Duchess said.
The gnome narrowed his eyes as he grabbed the pearl from the woman’s shaking hands. He looked down at the thing a moment, then raised his eyes to the ceiling as he slapped his forehead with his empty hand. “That’s what he meant by pink lady pearl. Wow. I totally misread that one. I thought he meant I was going to get to my hands on your-”
“Looks like you win,” I said over him.
The Duchess whipped about and stalked away from the hall, with her husband trailing behind, begging for her forgiveness.
“Honey?” the Duke said. “Bunny fluff? Sweetie pie? Please don’t do this to me. You know I can’t help myself. I’m a sick man.”
“You most certainly are!” she shouted.
Their voices faded as they disappeared from view.
“Huh,” the gnome said. “Who knew he meant a real pearl?”
“Everyone else in the world but you,” I said.
Dickerstock lowered the pearl to the floor, then raised his still bound hands as he looked back up to me. “What now, officer? As you can see, I’m at your complete mercy.”
As much as I wanted to run him in, I knew he would just be back out on the street in less than an hour. I pulled the idiot gnome toward me and uncuffed him.
He rubbed at his wrists. “Does this mean we’re friends?”
I shook my head at him. “It means you should leave. Now. Before I change my mind.”
“Aww. We aren’t friends?”
“No.”
“Pals?”
“No.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Lovers?”
“Dream on.”
Dickerstock winked at me “I already do, lass.”
I cut my eyes at him, wondering what in the hell that meant.
“Sir?” Jackson said. “Aren’t we going to take him in?”
“No,” I said.
“Why not?” another of my men asked.
“Because,” Dickerstock said. “Ye can’t arrest me for stealin’ something that belongs to me, laddie. Every officer knows that.” He grabbed the pearl and stuffed it into his knapsack. Dickerstock shoveled the other scavenger hunt items into his back before tossing my badge back to me. “Here ya go, as promised.”
“Man of your word,” I said with laugh.
“When it suits me.” He slung the bag over his shoulder and gave me a little salute. The gnome whistled as he slowly made his way out of the hall and into the cool night air, not a care in the world.
I envied him, not because of his talent, but because he really didn’t have a care in the world.
“Ma’am?” Jackson said beside of me.
“What?” I said.
“He’s getting away.”
“Yes. Yes he is.”
Part of me wanted to go after him, yet the rest of me had to admire his gall. Moreover, it served the Duke right for making deals with such a little devil. I clipped my badge back onto my pocket and buffed it with the edge of my sleeve. Unlike the gnome, not all of us had the luxury of living without regret.
Earlier that night I begged the Duchess to hide the real pearl and set out a fake one in its place, but the woman was intractable on the matter. She claimed the pearl belonged to the people, and as such the people deserved to have access to it at all hours. I tried to assure her that, if given a chance, these same people would sell the thing out from under her and split the profits. She merely scoffed at the idea, and I was left to guard a priceless object kept in what might as well have been a glass bucket with a sign that said free, take one, only because we don’t have two.
“Everyone is in place, ma’am,” Jackson said from beside of me.
“Thank you, Constable Jackson,” I said.
“Three on the roof as you requested. A pair of guards focused on each of the four doors. And including us, two more men to fill the corners of this room.” He narrowed his eyes at me. “Are you certain you don’t want a pair of men posted at the display case?”
“No. And make sure all of the men keep to the shadows. Let him come on in and try his best. I want to take this bastard by surprise.”
“Aye, ma’am. Understood.” Jackson stepped closer to the casing and glanced down, staring in confusion at the huge pink pearl laying just underneath the glass. “What I don’t understand is why would anyone want to steal that? It’s hideous.”
“I couldn’t agree more. But we aren’t here to judge the thing, just protect it. Besides, our thief isn’t exactly discerning in his tastes.”
“True.”
“Try as he might, he won’t get his hands on the Duchess’s Pink Lady Pearl tonight. Or any other night, for that matter.”
“Pink Lady Pearl. That’s an odd name.”
“I’ve heard odder.”
“You know, one of the locals toasted it as the Almighty Squeal.”
I snorted at the idea. “I can see why. I wonder where the damn thing came from.”
“What do you mean, ma’am? It’s a pearl. Surely it came from an oyster?”
“So I hear, but have you ever seen an oyster capable of producing a pearl roughly the shape and size of a five pound honey ham?”
Jackson grinned. “Consider the source, eh?”
“Exactly.” I nodded to the far corners of the room. “Go on then. It’s getting late. Our guest should be arriving any moment.”
“Aye, ma’am,” Jackson said, and scurried off to do as asked.
Constable Jackson was a good officer. Respectable, honorable, and loyal to a fault, I found him indispensable when it came to getting things done. As a result, I placed the bulk of this sting on his broad shoulders. I only hoped he could handle the responsibility. After all, it wasn’t every day an officer of the law got a chance to capture a thief of this caliber.
Tonight, at long last, Thimblecock Dickerstock would be mine.
Well, not mine per say. Once we capture him, he would become a ward of the state and then hopefully after a short trial he would lose either his head or his freedom. Preferably his head. My only regret is that he didn’t have two heads, so I could watch both of them get lopped off.
As I contemplated the lovely image of the gnome losing his head, a soft shifting noise came from the far corner of the room. I took the cue from my men and slid back toward my own hiding spot in the opposite corner. There I waited. Another soft sound came from the corner to my right. I assumed this was the sound of my men settling into place, until I heard the same exact sound come from the corner on my left. It was too coincidental.
With a sputtering gulp, all six torches went out at the same time, leaving us in total darkness. I rubbed the coin in my pocket; a talisman for a light spell. I was hoping I wouldn’t need it. It looked like I would after all.
Someone grunted near me.
“Jackson?” I whispered.
“Try again,” came a familiar, grating voice, followed by a familiar, grating giggle.
“Dickerstock,” I growled.
“Got it on the second try,” he said. “Good on you, lass.”
“As if anyone else in the world sounds as irritating as you.” I pushed the coin back into my pocket, determined to sneak up on him in the dark. “You’re very easy to distinguish. Like a pig in a pen full of swans.” I raised my eyes to the ceiling, certain his voice was coming from above me.
“It’s nice to know you think of me as distinguished.”
“That’s not what I said.”
“Close enough.”
“No it wasn’t. It was the complete opposite of what I said. I also called you a pig.” I hated lowering myself to arguing with him, but it was the best way to pinpoint his location. If the gnome possessed a single fault, it was his love of the sound of his own voice. Luckily for me, the gnome possessed a great many faults, and I intended to exploit all of them. “You won’t get the pearl.”
“Oh I reckon I’ll get it. Question is, what will ya do after I get out of here with it?”
I glared at the ceiling, wondering if he was in the rafters or further up. “You’re not going to get out of here with it.”
“Wanna bet?”
Great. Just what I needed. If I turned him down, he would see it as a weakness on my part, but if I took him up on it and failed… no. I wouldn’t fail. He wasn’t getting his grubby little hands on that pearl.
“I’ll take your bet,” I said to the ceiling as I unsheathed my blade. “You’re not going to get out of here tonight with that pearl. I stake my reputation on it.”
“Good,” Dickerstock said. “Because your reputation is exactly what I am interested in.”
This took me by surprise. “What?”
“If I manage to wiggle my tiny—and not to mention incredibly toned—derriere out of this hall with that pearl in tow, you have to give me your badge.”
I snorted a laugh, unable to hide my humor at his ridiculous notion. “Give you my badge? I’d rather fall on my own blade.”
“That can be arranged.” As he spoke again, the location of his voice shifted from the ceiling down the eastern wall, trailing toward the floor. “I’m sure tha Duke would love ta execute you for losing his woman’s precious pearl.”
Working my way across the northern wall, I nearly tripped when I came upon the slumped body of Constable Jackson in the northwestern corner. I lowered myself to his face, both pleased and disgusted to hear him lightly snoring. At least he wasn’t dead, but I would kill him as soon as he woke.
“How did you get to my men?” I said.
“Easy enough,” Dickerstock said. “Everyone gets thirsty. And free drink is everyone’s price.”
I groaned when I remembered what Jackson had said only minutes before.
“One of the locals toasted it as the Almighty Squeal.”
“Idiots,” I whispered.
“Yes,” Dickerstock said from very near to my right. “Good help is so hard to find these days. Unlike a good gnome. A good, hard gnome. Which is me, if you don’t get my meaning.”
“I got your meaning!” I snapped. I rubbed at my weary eyes, already aching from straining in the dark. “This is growing tiresome.”
“You never answered my question,” Dickerstock said, his voice turning and traveling along the eastern wall, away from me.
I continued my path in the opposite direction, taking tentative steps in the total darkness, intent on meeting him head on. I contemplated pitching the coin into the air, and as a result lighting the entire place, exposing Dickerstock in all of his gnomish glory. Yet no, I withheld, waiting for just the right moment to shine the light of justice on that squirming little turd.
“Well?” he said. “Will you give me your badge if I get my ham hocks on that hammy little pearl?”
“You won’t get the pearl,” I said.
“Oh, confidence. I like that in a lass. If you’re so certain I won’t get the prize, then what have ya got ta lose?” His voice had paused again, stopping in the southeastern corner. Exactly where one of my now sleeping men lay slumped.
“Okay,” I said.
“Okay what?”
“I’ll give you my badge if you can steal the pearl.”
“Then hand it over.”
“Why would I just do that?”
“Because tha pearl is already gone.”
My eyes went wide. He had to be joking. Panicking, I yanked the coin from my pocket and tossed it into the air with a flick. It rolled about in a lazy arc, flashing in heartbeat like pulses that grew faster with each rotation, until at last the enchanted coin hung, midair, spinning and shining and lighting the entire room to a brilliant degree. I winced, shielding my eyes at the intrusion of light. When I was able to see again, I glanced to the center of the room. My mouth fell open at what I found there.
The pearl was still in the display case.
And so was Dickerstock. A rope hung from the ceiling into the now opened casing, providing my nemesis with an easy escape. I gawked at him in complete shock. In that moment of hesitation, Dickerstock grinned at me through the glass like an over excited ape, tucked the pearl into his backpack, then scrambled up the rope.
I lunged for him, but it was too late. Quick as a greased pig, the gnome shot up the rope and out onto the roof before I could even make it to the display case. It was almost pointless to follow him. He had a fantastic lead on me. The gnome would be off the roof, through the compound and into the surrounding woods before a single alarm could be raised. I punched the wooden base of the display and cursed aloud in frustration.
“Now, now,” Dickerstock said from the far corner. “Such language isn’t ladylike.”
I whipped about, wondering what sorcery this was, when I saw exactly what sorcery it was. A rat sat in the corner, perched atop one of my sleeping men, staring at me with beady little red eyes. The beast grinned in an all too familiar manner.
“That’s right, luv,” Dickerstock said through the rat. “Ya aren’t the only one with a wee bit of magic in their pocket. Though, I suppose technically I’ve always got a wee bit of magic in my pocket. And by pocket, I mean my trousers, and by a wee bit I mean a great, big hard-”
“Telepathic conveyance,” I said over his filthy joke. “Nice. Expensive, but nice. How much did that little spell cost you?”
“Enough. I consider it an investment. And it’s rude ta interrupt a man’s metaphor. Just so ya know.”
Ignoring the rat, I quietly stepped to the edge of the hall, and peered outside. All was not lost. Not yet. “I don’t know if the wizard who cast that spell for you explained how it worked, but there’s something you should know about telepathic conveyance.”
“What’s that?”
I stepped outside and scanned the roof for him. “We use it all of the time for stakeouts. It only works within a one hundred foot radius of the control subject. Which means if you’re still talking to me, you’re still nearby.”
“True.” The gnome seemed unperturbed by my warning.
I ducked back into the hall and made sure the rat was still where I left it. “I have men stationed all across this property. The moment that rat goes back to normal I know exactly how far you are from me. Extrapolating your movements after that will be easy.” It was a longshot and a bluff of the grandest kind, but I was desperate for anything to make the gnome as nervous as me.
“I dare to say they will be far simpler than even you suspect.”
“How so?”
The rat trembled a moment before its eyes faded from that enchanted red back to natural black. The animal sniffed the air as its nose twitched. It squeaked. I couldn’t be sure, but I thought the rat looked utterly confused to find itself in the display hall. I heard a noise rise from behind me, and I turned on my heel to find Dickerstock standing in the doorway, smiling up at me, his eyes twinkling in the moon light.
“I won’t leave until I get what you promised me,” he said.
“Gotcha!” I snatched him up by a handful of his flaming red hair and dragged him into the hall. “You little snot! I finally have you! You could’ve ran off into the night like the little rat you are, but no, you had to gloat.” I relished the feel of his greasy hair in my hot hands, as well as the satisfaction of yanking it out by the roots. “You had to stay behind to gloat and now I have you!”
Dickerstock shrieked in agony as I pulled him across the floor by his hair. This caterwauling woke Jackson from his drug induced sleep. The officer groaned as he sat up and rubbed at his eyes.
“Constable Jackson,” I said. “Go and fetch her Ladyship. Tell her I have the thief and her pearl, safe and sound.”
Jackson scrambled to his feet. “Yes, ma’am!” He ran off to retrieve the lady of the house.
“The rest of you wake up and get these torches lit!”
Various groans and cries of ‘aye’ came from the men. Most avoided meeting my gaze, scrambling around me with sheepish grins and hanging heads. I would discipline the entire troop later, after I dealt with Dickerstock. For now, I stripped the gnome of his backpack, clamped a pair of cuffs onto his wrists and pushed him against the wall, face first.
“Careful there,” the gnome said. “I like it rough, but you almost bruised my ego.”
“I’m going to bruise a hell of a lot more than that before we are done here.”
“You’ll bruise your reputation too, unless you give me what is rightfully mine.”
I sneered at his back. “I am not giving you anything.”
“Renege. Go on. Break your word. Make a liar out of yourself.”
“You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you?”
“I know a lot of things … wait, are ye callin’ me a liar?”
I spun the gnome about and dragged him up the wall until we were eye to eye. “I’m calling you a thief. Soon I’ll call you a prisoner. And after your trial is done, I will call you a memory, because you’ll be dead.”
Dickerstock grinned ever wider and lifted his bound wrists to me. “If its memories you want, hon, unlock these shackles and I’ll give you a night you’ll never forget.”
I released my grip on him, allowing him to slide to the floor and land on his rump.
“What’s all this fuss about?” said a booming voice.
I cringed at the sound of the Duke. I was hoping Jackson would return with just the Ladyship, but no. The Duke himself decided to join us as well. In my dealings with her, I found the Duchess to be a respectable, gentle soul. The Duke was quite the opposite. In fact, he was closer to the rogue at my feet than the respectable royal at his side.
“I was just telling this copper,” Dickerstock said, “that she was a bald faced liar of the highest degree. A deceiver. A fibber. A prevaricator!”
The Duke’s eyes went wide. It was a well-known fact that the Duke of Orrington hated to be accused of lying, only because he did so every chance he got.
“Sir,” I said, “allow me to explain what is going on here-”
“A liar?” the Duke said, his chubby cheeks wobbling in his imaginary righteous indignation. “I can’t abide by a liar in my house.”
“I am not a liar,” I said.
“Then why are your pants on fire?” the gnome said.
“Fire?” the Duchess said, her voice trembling and flutelike in its fright.
The gnome played that flute for all it was worth. “Step back, my Lady, or your pants might catch fire too.”
The Duchess stepped back to avoid the hypothetical fire of my flaming liar pants.
I groaned and rubbed my temples in frustration. Was everyone in this hall aside from me a complete idiot? “Ma’am, I caught this gnome in the act of stealing your Pink Lady Pearl. He is the thief I warned you about.”
“Nonsense,” Dickerstock said. “I was merely out for a stroll when this young lady made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.”
“Really?” the Duke said. He licked his lips. “What kind of offer?”
“This little filly said she would give up her most precious possession if I could prove my valor.”
I had to hand it to the gnome, that wasn’t far from the truth.
“And did he?” the Duke said, rubbing his hands together in eager anticipation.
“Of course he did!” the gnome shouted. “I always keep my end of things.” Dickerstock winked at me. “Now it’s time ya keep yours, sweet cheeks.”
“Yes,” the Duke said. “You should pay the gnome. And I should watch.” The man grinned at me.
No, he leered.
And in that leer I could see exactly what he thought I had promised the rouge.
“That sounds fair,” the Duchess said.
“Does it?” Dickerstock said, surprised by the Duchess’s sudden support.
“Certainly. If she made a promise, and you proved your valor, than she is honor bound to see to the agreement.”
“And I should watch,” the Duke repeated. He wrapped an arm around his wife. “But perhaps you should go back to the house, honey. This might get a bit … messy.”
“You want to see his idea of valor?” I said. I turned the gnome’s backpack over, dumping the contents onto the floor. A small collection of garbage fell out of the thing, topped by the pearl in question.
“My pearl!” the Duchess said. She reached out and grabbed up her pearl, hugging the horrid thing to her.
“There you go,” I said. “There’s your precious valor.” I toed the strange assortment of bits and bobs piled on the floor; a single blue feather, a ball of twine, a half-eaten apple, a four leafed clover, as well as other various oddities. “What is this crap and where did you steal it from?”
“I didn’t steal it,” Dickerstock said. He lifted his chin in defiance as he said, “I’ll have you know I came by all of that honestly.”
I couldn’t help but snort a laugh. “As if you know what honesty means.”
“Sure I do. Honesty is the opposite of lucky. When ya can’t get somethin’ by luck, you have ta hope ya can get it honestly. If ya can’no get it honestly, then ya have ta steal it. Which I didn’t. Just like I’m not gonna steal what ya owe me, fair and square.”
“What do you think, Duke?” I said, raising my face to the Lord once more. “Do you still think I should I give him my …” I paused as I caught sight of the man. “Sir? Are you all right?”
The Duke stood staring down at the pile of useless junk, mouth agape, eyes bulging.
“That’s right,” Dickerstock said. “Drink it all in. Quite a collection isn’t it? And when I get this lassie’s precious prize, my collection will be complete. How ya like dem apples, Dukey?”
The Duke’s jowls flapped as he huffed and puffed. “Enough of this nonsense. Arrest that gnome and take him away.”
I was intrigued by his sudden change of heart. One moment he was eager to see me relinquish my so called prize to the gnome, the next he was fervent to see Dickerstock behind bars.
“But what about their agreement?” the Duchess said.
“Obviously this has all been a trick,” the Duke said. “Everyone knows you can’t trust a gnome.” He grabbed his wife by the arm and tried to drag her from the hall.
The Duchess wasn’t having any of that. She jerked her arm out of the Duke’s grip and held her ground. “No. His idea of valor might be a bit skewed, but that young lady owes him for his actions.”
I balled my fists. “I most certainly do. And I will only be too glad to pay him, in full.”
“Then hand it over, cupcake,” Dickerstock said. He smiled.
I looked to the Duke again, to that dumbfounded face, curious as to why he was so keen to get the hell out of here. The Duke shot a quick, worried glance to the pile of seemingly useless things, then back to me. If he hadn’t done that, I might have followed through with my original plan and took the gnome to the stockyard. But something in that glance told me the man was far more guilty here than the gnome. And considering the gnome’s lousy reputation, that was saying an awful lot.
It took every ounce of strength I possessed, yet I managed to grip the edge of my badge, slid it free from my shirt pocket, and lowered it toward Dickerstock. I kept my gaze on the Duke, watching as his eyes went saucer wide the closer my badge got to the gnome.
“No!” the Duke said. He held his hands out, pleading with me not to let the gnome have my badge. “Please, don’t give it to him. You don’t understand what you’re doing.”
Dickerstock held his bound hands up and motioned for me to hand it to him. “Gimme, gimme!”
I shoved it at him keeping a tight grip on my end. The moment the gnome grabbed the thing, I looked down and growled, “You may borrow it. I want it right back.”
“Of course, luv,” the gnome said. “I only need it for tha briefest of moments.”
“Please don’t!” the Duke pleaded again.
“Marcus?” the Duchess said. “What is all of this about?”
“Nothing?” he half asked, half said.
The Duchess pursed her thin lips. “I see. Then if it’s nothing, you won’t care if she gives him her badge. Will you?”
“No?” Again it was more of a question and less of a statement.
The Duchess nodded to me.
I released my badge.
The gnome snatched it from me and squealed in delight. He stepped forward and tossed my badge on top of his belongings, then proceeded to poke his finger at the Duke. “I told ya I could do it! I told ya I was the best at scavenger hunts. Now pay up, Marcus.” Dickerstock broke into a little jig, dancing in circles around the pile of junk.
“Scavenger hunt?” I said, more confused than ever.
“I knew it,” the Duchess said. She stamped her foot. “You’ve been playing that awful game again.”
“That’s right,” Dickerstock said. “He bet me I couldn’t fill his list before sunrise tomorrow. Ha! I showed him.”
“Why?” the Duchess said, hurt touching her voice.
I felt sort of sorry for her.
The Duke sighed and pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. “Because I didn’t think he would actually do it. Until I saw all of that.” He waved at the junk on the floor. “I tried to make it really hard this time. Who thought he would get his hands on a copper’s badge without stealing it?”
“Without stealing it,” Dickerstock echoed as he nodded to me.
“You promised me you would stop,” the Duchess said.
“I will,” the Duke said. “I swear, honey. This is the last time.”
“You said that last time. I lost my best necklace in that stupid game. I lost all of my porcelain dolls the time before that. What am I going to lose now? Because I know you weren’t selfless enough to offer one of your lousy possessions as a prize.”
The Duke peeked over his hands at her, and mumbled something unintelligible.
“What was that?” she said.
“Your Pink Lady Pearl,” he said.
The Duchess hugged the pearl to her tighter. “No! I won’t give up my pearl to that, that, that little monster!”
Dickerstock stalled in his dance and looked up to the Lady. “Monster? I’m not the one that promised your precious pearl as a prize in a silly game. That would be your chubby hubby.”
The Duke sighed again. “Just give it to him so we can go back to bed.”
“What?” Dickerstock said. “She’s gonna give it ta me right here in front of the gods and everyone?”
“Bed?” the Duchess said, ignoring the gnome. “You mean you will go back to the couch. I won’t have you in our bed after this.”
“He can join us,” Dickerstock said. “I don’t mind an audience.”
“Fine,” the Duke growled, also ignoring the gnome. “Just give him your effing pearl so we can get some sleep.”
“I won’t sleep a wink tonight after this,” the Duchess said.
“Trust me,” Dickerstock said, wiggling his fingers at her. “Once I’m done wit ya, you will sleep like tha dead.”
“For Pete’s sake,” the Duke said, “just hand it over so he will leave!”
The Duchess stamped her foot once more. The Duke glared at her until she held the majestic Pink Lady Pearl out to the gnome.
Dickerstock, who stood a clear two feet shorter than the Lady, stared up at the pearl with disgust. “What do you expect me to do with that?”
“Take it and leave,” the Duchess said.
The gnome narrowed his eyes as he grabbed the pearl from the woman’s shaking hands. He looked down at the thing a moment, then raised his eyes to the ceiling as he slapped his forehead with his empty hand. “That’s what he meant by pink lady pearl. Wow. I totally misread that one. I thought he meant I was going to get to my hands on your-”
“Looks like you win,” I said over him.
The Duchess whipped about and stalked away from the hall, with her husband trailing behind, begging for her forgiveness.
“Honey?” the Duke said. “Bunny fluff? Sweetie pie? Please don’t do this to me. You know I can’t help myself. I’m a sick man.”
“You most certainly are!” she shouted.
Their voices faded as they disappeared from view.
“Huh,” the gnome said. “Who knew he meant a real pearl?”
“Everyone else in the world but you,” I said.
Dickerstock lowered the pearl to the floor, then raised his still bound hands as he looked back up to me. “What now, officer? As you can see, I’m at your complete mercy.”
As much as I wanted to run him in, I knew he would just be back out on the street in less than an hour. I pulled the idiot gnome toward me and uncuffed him.
He rubbed at his wrists. “Does this mean we’re friends?”
I shook my head at him. “It means you should leave. Now. Before I change my mind.”
“Aww. We aren’t friends?”
“No.”
“Pals?”
“No.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Lovers?”
“Dream on.”
Dickerstock winked at me “I already do, lass.”
I cut my eyes at him, wondering what in the hell that meant.
“Sir?” Jackson said. “Aren’t we going to take him in?”
“No,” I said.
“Why not?” another of my men asked.
“Because,” Dickerstock said. “Ye can’t arrest me for stealin’ something that belongs to me, laddie. Every officer knows that.” He grabbed the pearl and stuffed it into his knapsack. Dickerstock shoveled the other scavenger hunt items into his back before tossing my badge back to me. “Here ya go, as promised.”
“Man of your word,” I said with laugh.
“When it suits me.” He slung the bag over his shoulder and gave me a little salute. The gnome whistled as he slowly made his way out of the hall and into the cool night air, not a care in the world.
I envied him, not because of his talent, but because he really didn’t have a care in the world.
“Ma’am?” Jackson said beside of me.
“What?” I said.
“He’s getting away.”
“Yes. Yes he is.”
Part of me wanted to go after him, yet the rest of me had to admire his gall. Moreover, it served the Duke right for making deals with such a little devil. I clipped my badge back onto my pocket and buffed it with the edge of my sleeve. Unlike the gnome, not all of us had the luxury of living without regret.
