REVIEW POLICIES:

I live in the middle of nowhere. I drive a long ways to work, to get groceries, to go the movies, hell just getting gas for the car is a 20 minute trip! As a result I listen to a LOT of audio books. I will be glad to review your audio book for you. The following guidelines are just suggestions to get us started. Okay? Okay!

  • All reviews are awarded up to 5 zombie hands according to my own opinions. Yes, I am an author, and have recorded readings of my own work as well as others' works. This experience aside, these reviews are my own opinions and nothing more. I like what I like. The end.
  • I prefer to read the following genres: Horror, Science Fiction, YA, Steam Punk, Humor. (Anything couched in humor will trip my triggers!)
  • Categories I am less interested in but may still take if the idea intrigues me: Military Fiction, Literary/Main Stream, Paranormal Romance
  • No erotica right now, please. I listen to this stuff in the car and while I exercise. (Yes, I exercise. I know, hard to believe isn't it?) Anywho, I have enough trouble keeping my blood pressure under control without sexy, sexy sex scenes steaming me up.
  • I will review non-fiction on a case-by-case basis. The 'fiction only' rule isn't hard nor fast. Just email me and ask.
  • If I accept your book, I will give it an unbiased review. If it is less than 3 zombie hands, I will email you the review before I post it. I know how important numbers can be to an author, so I won't post reviews that are less than 3 zombie hands without your consent. Please keep in mind, even negative reviews can offer positive suggestions. (This only applies to books you send me. Books I buy to review will be posted either way.)
  • You must provide me with a copy of the audio file. I buy audio books all of the time and review them without being asked. If you are asking me to set aside my current listening adventure, then you must provide the book in exchange for an honest review. Audibles is my preferred means of listening, but I will take mp3 copies if necessary. 
  • I can't promise any deadlines. Audio books run an average of ten hours, and I listen about an hour or so a day. I listen to one book at a time, and yours might get bumped by the latest Neil Gaiman or Stephen King. Actually, yours WILL get bumped by the latest Gaiman or King. Sorry about that. I'll turn out reviews as fast as I can listen. 
  • Still with me? Good. You may pass GO. And don't forget your $200 in fake monies!

How to present your book:

Email me the following information:
  • Your name
  • Your narrator's name
  • The name of your book
  • The genre
  • The length in hours and minutes
  • The availability (tell me if you can send me an Audibles code, or you will have to send me a link for the mp3 file, or you read the book to me over the phone)
  • Your favorite kind of sandwich
  • The publication date of your audio book 
  • It's okay to request a deadline, but understand I can't promise one.
  • I am totally serious about the sandwich. (You can tell a lot about a person from their favorite sandwich!)

DON'T EMAIL ME THE FILES OR A LINK TO THEM YET!
If you send me a code or a file without me agreeing to review it, I will eat your code on a toasted open faced tuna with hot sauce on a bagel with Munster. My favorite sandwich, by the way.

Good luck and happy writing, and recording!